I discarded my husband

I discarded my husband and didn't really feel bad about it until just now. Well that's not exactly true. I felt horrible when I told him I didn't want to be married anymore. Cried all day. Didn't think I had it in me. I feel sad now. I was listening to our wedding song. I don't know why. I was just looking up songs on Itunes that I know, and landed on it. I am a total asshole. What kind of person can promise their life to someone, and then take it away? I guess I can. I wouldn't go back and change it. I guess I just want to know that he's going to be ok. Maybe it's selfish and horrible of me to want all of this to go away and for everyone involved to just move on. I have. It's easy for me. It's not easy for him. I forget that. Until I hear our song. And then I remember what I promised him. And couldn't deliver on. It's just not fair.

Did I really think I was happy? Why do I feel like I wasn't myself at all wtih him? Not that it was his fault. I just became a super watered down uninspired version of who I am. I felt bland when I was with him. Why did I settle? I just can't say that it was all for nothing though. We have children. I wanted them so badly with him. I didn't question that at all. Yet, as time went by I wondered if it was right to be married to someone that you weren't in love with, and defintley were not attracted to.

Gosh, I am soooo hating myself right now. Not that I am looking for sympathy. Direct that all towards my husband. He thought his life was going to turn out one way. With me. Us. Now it's just not. Our song is just killing me the moment. I am listening to it over and over again in the hopes that I will become numb to it and it won't mean anything anymore. The part about "in a sea of eyes, there is one pair that I reconize." I did feel like at the point that my husband and I got together that I needed him. Wanted him. I did it. I made us happen. Yes, he wanted it, but I thought I did too.

Ben Folds--you are killing me, you ass! Stupid song. I want him to be in love. I am hoping it will happen soon. He needs that excitement of a new relationship as a distraction. Or he should just go out and have alot of sex. I know he won't, but it would help. That's for sure.