Fresh Air

Now that my soon to be ex-husband and I seriously headed to divorce we have decided to sleep in separate bedrooms. Thank god. I feel like I finally have a little tiny teeny space of my own. Sleeping alone is wonderful. I should have done it alot sooner. I sleep much better.

I discarded my husband

I discarded my husband and didn't really feel bad about it until just now. Well that's not exactly true. I felt horrible when I told him I didn't want to be married anymore. Cried all day. Didn't think I had it in me. I feel sad now. I was listening to our wedding song. I don't know why. I was just looking up songs on Itunes that I know, and landed on it. I am a total asshole. What kind of person can promise their life to someone, and then take it away? I guess I can. I wouldn't go back and change it. I guess I just want to know that he's going to be ok. Maybe it's selfish and horrible of me to want all of this to go away and for everyone involved to just move on. I have. It's easy for me. It's not easy for him. I forget that. Until I hear our song. And then I remember what I promised him. And couldn't deliver on. It's just not fair.

Did I really think I was happy? Why do I feel like I wasn't myself at all wtih him? Not that it was his fault. I just became a super watered down uninspired version of who I am. I felt bland when I was with him. Why did I settle? I just can't say that it was all for nothing though. We have children. I wanted them so badly with him. I didn't question that at all. Yet, as time went by I wondered if it was right to be married to someone that you weren't in love with, and defintley were not attracted to.

Gosh, I am soooo hating myself right now. Not that I am looking for sympathy. Direct that all towards my husband. He thought his life was going to turn out one way. With me. Us. Now it's just not. Our song is just killing me the moment. I am listening to it over and over again in the hopes that I will become numb to it and it won't mean anything anymore. The part about "in a sea of eyes, there is one pair that I reconize." I did feel like at the point that my husband and I got together that I needed him. Wanted him. I did it. I made us happen. Yes, he wanted it, but I thought I did too.

Ben Folds--you are killing me, you ass! Stupid song. I want him to be in love. I am hoping it will happen soon. He needs that excitement of a new relationship as a distraction. Or he should just go out and have alot of sex. I know he won't, but it would help. That's for sure.

My "So What" Moment

I was watching the Tyra Banks show late tonight on the Oxygen network. I have to say I like Tyra. She seems like she is trying to do right for young girls by talking about having a positive body image. I can appreciate that. She also came up with this idea called a "so what" moment...for example Tyra's "so what" moment is "so what that I have big thighs." That kind of thing. I then wondered what my "so what" moment is. I couldn't come up with just one. I have so many at this point in my life that I am really living without apologies. Check out my Tyra inspired "so what" moments.

So what...I have stretch marks. Two beautiful healthy girls later, I just don't give crap that I have a few or really many long stretch marks on my body. I earned them. My body is has been through so much and it's amazing.

So what...I am not going to be a stay-at-home Mom anymore. My writing career is taking off, which is causing me to need more time to pursue that dream. My book is coming out. Stuff I have only ever dreamed about it happening. I thought my only dream was motherhood. I was wrong. I want it all.

So what...I can't live off my husband measly salary. Thus besides my writing career, I am probably going back to a 36 hour a week job. It's good money. I need it. My girls need it. I need stuff, groceries, and fun. That all takes m-o-n-e-y, lots of it.

So what...I still am breaking out around my mouth. Fucking hormones. I have all the access and knowledge of great skincare and I still can't conquer this. Oh well. Otherwise my skin is pretty close to perfect.

So what....I am divorcing my husband. For the reasons why see above. Finances are important. That whole bit in our vows about for richer or poorer. I found out that I just can not do poorer. Just can't do it. Tried. I tried for 7 long broke-ass years. As Whitney Houston says "Hell TO THE NOOOOOOOO!"

So what...I am going to hire full time help. I still refuse to put my kids into germy gross daycare. I don't care if your kids go and it's great. I don't want to do it. A nice girl who has some college experience and wants to entertain my children all day is fine with me. I will pay her well and expect a lot from her. Nanny-cams all the way baby!

So what...I am completely in love with my new boyfriend. So what that we have only been together for two months. Double so what to anyone who has questioned me at this point. I don't care. When you know, you just know. It's that easy. It's just that much fun. I didn't think I would need all that big-icky-gooey-larger-than-life-head-over-heals-waking-up-at-three-in-the-morning-to-make-love-love, but I do. And I found it. I didn't have an iota of it with my husband. He was my best friend and always has been, but I just wasn't in love with him. Not ever. Harsh I know, but true. But when I saw Tim for the first time it was like an explosion in my head. I just had to have him.

So what...I am changing as a person. You see when you get to a certain point in life where you are just fed up with being unhappy and not going after exactly what you want, everything stops. The clarity came very quickly for me and I had to make some big changes. So what. Change is good. All this changing has saved me in every single way.

My new scrapblog

Live From Chicago!!

Here I am in a gorgeous hotel room at a writing conference in Chicago. How cool do I feel right now? Pretty freakin cool, I'll tell you that much. Anyway, so I was invited to come here to meet up with one of the websites I write for. It's ImperfectParent.com, and they are throwing a huge bash on Lake Shore Dr tonight, and I am only two hours away from getting my serious party face on. I can't wait! It will be really interesting to meet a bunch of people that I only know from their written work online and photos. I am interested to hear if anyone at all reads my column. That is a completely self-absorbed thought, but it's the truth and I could use the feedback.
Hey, why don't you go check out my column right now? It's called Mother Magnetism!-for Moms who care about their outer charms. Like I do. So go there now...

www.imperfectparent.com/magnetism

Seriously right now. I'm not kidding around. Make a comment or ask a question or something. Why are you still reading this? You were supposed to click on the link. Do it. Do it or I am going to send my big strong boyfriend Timmy to straiten you out. Don't make me do it. He's really tough. I can't tell you how hard he smacked my a** last night!

Just Write Dammit.

Alright, it was Tim's idea to start this so-called blog about our divorce experience. I am not really a blogging type person. Even though I am the one headed to Chicago for a blogging conference next weekend. Blah. I still want to go. It's hard to just put yourself out there. Especially considering the topic of discussion. The derailment of our marriages.
Dude, Tim really needs to chime in a little more. Just write dammit. Otherwise it's just going to be me. Look! There is a cartoon me! Aren't I cute?


When I think about how and why I met Tim, I just don't know. Why did I meet someone so soon after ending my marriage? Is this a rebound relationship? Considering that I don't really believe there is any such thing as a rebound relationship, then no. No No no no. I do want to be with Tim. Part of me sooooo wants to be with him. He's perfect for me. We are completely compatible on so many levels. Plus he's freaking hot. So hot. Seriously. My inside turn all around each time I look at him. And yet, I don't know. I'm afraid. Of what, I can't quite figure out.

We're Friends, really...I swear to GOD

Everytime my husband tells one of our friends that we are getting a divorce at my request, it's meant with the same response. Anger. Disbelief. And more anger. They can't believe this is happening to us. The perfect couple. To futher compilicate things, they really really really can't believe that we can remain friends. Even the best of friends. They can't understand that while I don't want to be married to my husband anymore that I can't lose his friendship. I have been friends with him for 18 years. I'm not giving him up now. I don't want to, and I won't. Period. End of story. We're friends now and it's perfect. Even though it may not be compleley perfect for my soon to be ex-husband now. It will be, eventually. We will be fine. Our friends need not to worry for a second that we won't be ok. We will always be ok. Our friendship is unending. I don't doubt it for a minute. Even if everyone else does.

Isn't Fun...

Isn’t Fun…My Mother always said,” isn’t fun the best thing to have!” It sounds like a question, but it really isn’t. It’s a statement. It doesn’t ask, isn’t fun the best thing to have? No, it just states that “fun” is where it’s at. And right now in my life I am having fun. For the first time in a long time. Fun, fun, fun with a big freakin capital F. I am just letting all the fun wash over me. Now don’t get me wrong, getting divorced is not fun. It’s not fun mostly for the people involved. My husband, our friends, his parents don’t think its fun at all. Mostly they are just pissed off and sad at the moment. I get that. I am sad too, but I can’t help but to let the relief of the situation shine through me. So I will try not to rub it in their faces that the fact that I am finally moving my life in the direction that I want it to go is FUN.


So here is a list of all the fun stuff I get to do lately. (Keep in mind this is mostly when my husband has the girls—I have not abandoned my children in any way.)-

Shower when I want to.- Eat when I want to.- Go out when I want to.- I don’t have to tell my husband what to do anymore.- Drink beer and play darts at 11am.- Bowl in high heels at one in the morning.- Drink really insanely expensive champagne on a second highly memorable date.- S-E-X in the backyard without a towel.- Have coffee and read the paper in the morning.- Drink wine, get plastered, and cry.(yes, still fun)- Hostess Apple pies are pure unadulterated fun. But only the apple ones.- Talk or not talk.- Swim when I want to.- Walk lots.- Watching four small children devourer a large cheese pizza in the car after an afternoon at the dinosaur museum.- Meet new people (everyone has a story and luckily I like to listen)- Learning new things...did you know that some guy from The Monkies basically invested music television? Hmm. Stuff to think about.- Did you know that there are sandals that can open beer? Opening beer with your feet?

F-U-N!!!

I would like to think that Moms are always right. Well I guess that’s an overstatement. But my Mom was certainly dead on about the fun thing, and I can’t wait to have more of it. Can I open your beer for you with my foot?

A Greater Story

A Greater Story



My husband and I used to say that we had the “best story” of any of our friends. We really had the best “meeting cute” story. It was almost like a little competition. We would ask another couple where they met and inevitably it would be something cliché and lame like at a bar. Gross. So then they would ask how we met. And we would regale them with the storybook-like fairy tale of our relationship. It was a great story. Too bad, I decided I need a greater one.
I knew when I married him on stage at the theatre where we met when we were kids that I wasn’t in love with him. I went through all the motions, my vows were flawless, and I did mean them. He does have the “best heart” of anyone I know. It’s just not meant for me. It should go to someone who can truly love and take care of his heart. I can’t. But I didn’t think it mattered. When we finally took our 11 years of friendship and turned it into a serious relationship, I thought “why not fall in love with my best friend?” How fun is that, right? It happens to people all the time, right? They usually live happily ever after, right? All that new rush of icky romantic love fades over time with any couple, right? Right right right? Wrong. I was wrong. So unbelievably wrong. I do blame myself. I am the bad guy in this situation. I left him. I just couldn’t take it anymore. The not wanting to kiss him. The not wanting to be around him. The looking around for other people. So I thought to myself, I will stay with him five more years, until both of the kids are in school full time. Then it become three more years because by then our financial situation should have improved. Next it was two years until he finishes grad school. But in actuality I couldn’t wait anymore. It become time. I have to get out now. I just can’t breathe in this house and in this marriage anymore. Get me out NOW.


So this is how I ended my marriage…I sat on our bed at 7 am, and spilled my guts out to him. Up until that point, I had been horrible and dishonest with him. So I laid it all out for him. In very much the same way that night seven years ago that he boldly told me that he had never loved anyone but me. I told him I wasn’t in love with him. Never was. At any point. I do love him. He is my best friend, but telling him that morning how I truly felt was the only time I have ever been completely honest with him in the 18 years that he has been in my life. It was my time to show him what was in my heart, and it nearly killed me. I cried because I knew I was crushing him. I cried because it was all just too sad. For the rest of the day, I walked around in a sad haze. My face hurt, my eyes bloodshot, and my stomach aching. But it was the best day of my life.


Our girls will be fine. My husband and I will co-parent and love our girls just the same as we have been. The divorce might go down as the most amicable in the history of divorces. Seriously, people are going to be amazed at how well we all are handling this. That would be a good ending to the story. He’s letting me go, because deep down he knew he never had me to begin with. He is brave and strong. Dissolving our marriage and getting back to just being friends is fine. It’s better than fine. It’s the right thing. I guess I don’t think that love can develop over time. If you know someone and aren’t in love with them right away, how can love just develop? For me it doesn’t. I want love at first sight. I want fireworks to go off in my head when I meet that right person. I originally didn’t think I needed that kind of big wonderful, all encompassing love. But I do. I know that now. Not that I would ever ever ever want to get married again at this point. I don’t think it’s the right lifestyle choice for me. I am finding out in my thirties that life is just too short to be unhappy.


And I am happy, completely happy. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I can breathe easier now because I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to pretend that ours is a great story. I am moving on to a greater one.


Alone At Last...Now What Do I Do? By: Tim

After work, I'm pulling into the driveway, her minivan's gone. My eyes go dinnerplates, my heart is in my throat and my mind is scrambling everything I can pull off before she gets home. Should I play guitar, should I run to the bar and hook up with my buddies, should I watch porn? Can I take my guitar and some porn to the bar? One question: how much time? I call her cell. "Hey Sweetie, what're you guys up to?...Oh yeah? The pool? No, I'm kinda beat. Want me to start dinner? Okay. Love you. Bye." Yes...Yesyesyesyes! An hour! An entire hour to myself! The world is my oyster. Hmmmm...And so goes the story of a suburban family man (though not often enough) that I'm sure we've all experienced. It's not that we don't love them. Maybe we love them too much. We give and give as husbands, fathers, lovers, hug providers, Mr. Fix-its, and boo-boo kissers. It's easy to lose yourself. We've been house broken and domesticated to the point we've forgotten how to burp and curse. Slowly over the years we disappear. I haven't seen Tim in a long time. I vaguely recall him. My friends still tell stories about him. But, my name is Honey or Daddy and I miss Tim. So, an hour of selfishness goes a long way until BAM! It's over.The most beautiful, powerful, stable marble pillar. Polished, immaculate, looked upon with love. You admire it when you get a chance. But, we're all running at a breakneck pace. It started one day, in one unseen corner, the tiniest piece broke away. Little by little this amazing love you'd built is eroding. Patch here, patch there while it's falling apart in front of you're eyes. Greet it with care, then concern, then frustration and finally anger. Day breaks and a beautiful sun smiles down on your immaculately polished pile of rubble and dust. You kiss your kids goodbye and assure them everything will be alright. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Give her one last cold stare, hang your head and close the door.I had ten days for my non-existent lawyer to respond to her very real one. I had nine hundred dollars and two suitcases to my name. Hi Mom. Hi Dad. I'm home. It's safe to say I wasn't prepared. I zombied my way through work, consoled my parents consoling of me, drank myself silly and put my parents to bed like I would my own children. Finally, alone time. I put my days on the backburner so I'd have the energy I needed to repair myself. This wasn't intentional. Like most guys I can't let a problem fester. The dishwashers not draining? On it. Leak in the roof? Done. Remodel the kitchen? Let me get my tools. It's reflex. This time my tools were good music and alcohol. Shaken with ice and a little time, I can crawl inside my head and tinker about.
Over a period of time I developed a "mantra chant method" for dealing with issues I couldn't accept. This started with "It's okay Tim. It's okay Tim." etc. Over and over until I'd cried my eyes out and let the memories wash over me. Maybe, I was enjoying the pain. Maybe I'm so perverse and full of self loathing, I enjoyed it. After all, I was raised Roman Catholic. And if given the opportunity to kick the shit out of myself, oh brother, lets get some ball bats. I'll meet ya behind the tool shed. It hurt. It helped. I woke up in the morning and took a deep breath. The first breath I'd had in me for what felt like years. I may have even smiled. Lets try that again.
That night, alone pacing my parents garage, I found my place to say "She's not mine anymore. She's not mine anymore." until I achieved my end result. This time I attained something new. I kept the feeling of relief and satisfaction although, when I woke to recall the night, a stone sat in my path. It read "I don't belong to her anymore. I don't belong to her anymore. She doesn't own me anymore. She can't control me anymore." I read that stone. I chanted that stone. I went to that stone, reached out and rolled it away. In that moment everything changed. My wife, my love, my "if we weren't meant for each other, we weren't meant for anyone", everything I'd given, everything stolen from me, all the hurt, all the hate simply rolled away.Healing sucks. It especially sucks for man's men. We don't ask for help. We don't share our feelings (unless we're drunk). We don't cry. We don't beg. We can't. If we aren't strong who's going to be? We have a power and a purpose. So, men don't cry. Period. Fucking period. But, we have to. Everyone has to. It's human nature. Your body creates tears the same way it creates sperm and sweat. It's a natural response and a bodily function. Work hard, you're going to sweat. Sex, you're going to complete (sometimes sooner, sometimes later). Hurt, you need to cry it out. For your own good. I'd prefer to get off every now and then as opposed to being bedridden with blue balls. On the same token, I'd prefer to cry it all out (in complete privacy of course) to harboring the pain. It'll come out eventually anyway. You're at a party with friends, the anger makes you have a few to many, you get comfortable then you burst into tears in front of thirty people who tell you about it the next day over the phone. As if you need anymore humiliation. So, get it out of yourself in advance. So, yeah, I'm right. Throw away the "pathetic loser" concept. Cry it out. Cry until your ducts are dry. Sob until you can't breathe. You don't have to look in the mirror to see your sniveling face. But, you can cry over your kids. You can cry over your losses. You can cry over all your wasted efforts in trying to resuscitate a dead situation. And, yes, you can cry about how much you still love her. And hate her. And still can't stop being in love with her. So turn on some '80s Chicago or Air Supply or whatever sappy nonsense appeals to you and open the floodgates. Cry it out. Tomorrow is waiting for you. Yep, healing sucks. But, there are rewards.My "still" wife and I have become friends. We talk more now then we ever did. Our divorce will work out amicably eventually. She and her boyfriend met my girlfriend the other day. I'm having dinner with my girlfriends "still" husband this week. Maybe I'm just lucky. (Well, I know that's not true. You should gamble against me sometime. I'll make you rich.) Maybe we all are grieving in our own way well enough to be close in the aftermath. Best of all, I now found the perfect amount of alone time. When I see my children we do whatever we want on our own terms. I have the time to miss them and plan fun things for our next rendezvous. When I'm with them I enjoy them and think of what I'll read next when they're with their mom. Or who I'll visit. Or what I have to accomplish this week. And then I can take a deep breath and sigh it away because I may very well have time to do it all. It wasn't easy. I'm fairly certain everyone in our situation is an alcoholic at this point. We are, the lot of us, pretending to be adults. But, I feel thirty something going on eighteen again. I wouldn't change it for the world. The kids in our situation now have more love and more people in their life to love them. They may have lost their dad in the house but, they gained so much. It's all far from over. There's still some discomfort, a little pain. But, from what I thought divorce would be, I am blessed. I managed to win it all. And we all deserve to. There is a new dawn.
So, I dare you to try and hold on. Bottle up the pain. Don't give yourself the proper confrontation. Try to preserve the night. That sun's coming up anyway. You have a choice to make. Will you bask in it's glory or find yourself scurrying from shadow to shadow. I prefer the light. In that light I dance through my days and float through my nights. All because I let myself forgive myself. Now I've given you my story. Thoughts, comments, hate spews and accolades are equally welcome. We all have a story to share. I'm all ears (and eyes).


Allow Me To...
I met someone. Someone who I feel is incredible. Allow me to introduce him to you. His name is Tim, and he has quite a lot to say. I'm not kidding, this guy never shuts up. I like it though. It was his idea to share with everyone what we are going through as young thirty-somethings in the process of divorce. It hasn't been pretty thus far, but in the end doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?

Divorce Is Fun---What the hell?

Most people don’t go into marriage looking to get divorced. But it happens. Sometimes your life might turn out different than you expected it would. Divorce Is Fun Magazine or "DIF" mag is for anyone in the process of divorce, already divorced or just simply dreaming about it.