Fresh Air

Now that my soon to be ex-husband and I seriously headed to divorce we have decided to sleep in separate bedrooms. Thank god. I feel like I finally have a little tiny teeny space of my own. Sleeping alone is wonderful. I should have done it alot sooner. I sleep much better.

I discarded my husband

I discarded my husband and didn't really feel bad about it until just now. Well that's not exactly true. I felt horrible when I told him I didn't want to be married anymore. Cried all day. Didn't think I had it in me. I feel sad now. I was listening to our wedding song. I don't know why. I was just looking up songs on Itunes that I know, and landed on it. I am a total asshole. What kind of person can promise their life to someone, and then take it away? I guess I can. I wouldn't go back and change it. I guess I just want to know that he's going to be ok. Maybe it's selfish and horrible of me to want all of this to go away and for everyone involved to just move on. I have. It's easy for me. It's not easy for him. I forget that. Until I hear our song. And then I remember what I promised him. And couldn't deliver on. It's just not fair.

Did I really think I was happy? Why do I feel like I wasn't myself at all wtih him? Not that it was his fault. I just became a super watered down uninspired version of who I am. I felt bland when I was with him. Why did I settle? I just can't say that it was all for nothing though. We have children. I wanted them so badly with him. I didn't question that at all. Yet, as time went by I wondered if it was right to be married to someone that you weren't in love with, and defintley were not attracted to.

Gosh, I am soooo hating myself right now. Not that I am looking for sympathy. Direct that all towards my husband. He thought his life was going to turn out one way. With me. Us. Now it's just not. Our song is just killing me the moment. I am listening to it over and over again in the hopes that I will become numb to it and it won't mean anything anymore. The part about "in a sea of eyes, there is one pair that I reconize." I did feel like at the point that my husband and I got together that I needed him. Wanted him. I did it. I made us happen. Yes, he wanted it, but I thought I did too.

Ben Folds--you are killing me, you ass! Stupid song. I want him to be in love. I am hoping it will happen soon. He needs that excitement of a new relationship as a distraction. Or he should just go out and have alot of sex. I know he won't, but it would help. That's for sure.

My "So What" Moment

I was watching the Tyra Banks show late tonight on the Oxygen network. I have to say I like Tyra. She seems like she is trying to do right for young girls by talking about having a positive body image. I can appreciate that. She also came up with this idea called a "so what" moment...for example Tyra's "so what" moment is "so what that I have big thighs." That kind of thing. I then wondered what my "so what" moment is. I couldn't come up with just one. I have so many at this point in my life that I am really living without apologies. Check out my Tyra inspired "so what" moments.

So what...I have stretch marks. Two beautiful healthy girls later, I just don't give crap that I have a few or really many long stretch marks on my body. I earned them. My body is has been through so much and it's amazing.

So what...I am not going to be a stay-at-home Mom anymore. My writing career is taking off, which is causing me to need more time to pursue that dream. My book is coming out. Stuff I have only ever dreamed about it happening. I thought my only dream was motherhood. I was wrong. I want it all.

So what...I can't live off my husband measly salary. Thus besides my writing career, I am probably going back to a 36 hour a week job. It's good money. I need it. My girls need it. I need stuff, groceries, and fun. That all takes m-o-n-e-y, lots of it.

So what...I still am breaking out around my mouth. Fucking hormones. I have all the access and knowledge of great skincare and I still can't conquer this. Oh well. Otherwise my skin is pretty close to perfect.

So what....I am divorcing my husband. For the reasons why see above. Finances are important. That whole bit in our vows about for richer or poorer. I found out that I just can not do poorer. Just can't do it. Tried. I tried for 7 long broke-ass years. As Whitney Houston says "Hell TO THE NOOOOOOOO!"

So what...I am going to hire full time help. I still refuse to put my kids into germy gross daycare. I don't care if your kids go and it's great. I don't want to do it. A nice girl who has some college experience and wants to entertain my children all day is fine with me. I will pay her well and expect a lot from her. Nanny-cams all the way baby!

So what...I am completely in love with my new boyfriend. So what that we have only been together for two months. Double so what to anyone who has questioned me at this point. I don't care. When you know, you just know. It's that easy. It's just that much fun. I didn't think I would need all that big-icky-gooey-larger-than-life-head-over-heals-waking-up-at-three-in-the-morning-to-make-love-love, but I do. And I found it. I didn't have an iota of it with my husband. He was my best friend and always has been, but I just wasn't in love with him. Not ever. Harsh I know, but true. But when I saw Tim for the first time it was like an explosion in my head. I just had to have him.

So what...I am changing as a person. You see when you get to a certain point in life where you are just fed up with being unhappy and not going after exactly what you want, everything stops. The clarity came very quickly for me and I had to make some big changes. So what. Change is good. All this changing has saved me in every single way.

My new scrapblog

Live From Chicago!!

Here I am in a gorgeous hotel room at a writing conference in Chicago. How cool do I feel right now? Pretty freakin cool, I'll tell you that much. Anyway, so I was invited to come here to meet up with one of the websites I write for. It's ImperfectParent.com, and they are throwing a huge bash on Lake Shore Dr tonight, and I am only two hours away from getting my serious party face on. I can't wait! It will be really interesting to meet a bunch of people that I only know from their written work online and photos. I am interested to hear if anyone at all reads my column. That is a completely self-absorbed thought, but it's the truth and I could use the feedback.
Hey, why don't you go check out my column right now? It's called Mother Magnetism!-for Moms who care about their outer charms. Like I do. So go there now...

www.imperfectparent.com/magnetism

Seriously right now. I'm not kidding around. Make a comment or ask a question or something. Why are you still reading this? You were supposed to click on the link. Do it. Do it or I am going to send my big strong boyfriend Timmy to straiten you out. Don't make me do it. He's really tough. I can't tell you how hard he smacked my a** last night!

Just Write Dammit.

Alright, it was Tim's idea to start this so-called blog about our divorce experience. I am not really a blogging type person. Even though I am the one headed to Chicago for a blogging conference next weekend. Blah. I still want to go. It's hard to just put yourself out there. Especially considering the topic of discussion. The derailment of our marriages.
Dude, Tim really needs to chime in a little more. Just write dammit. Otherwise it's just going to be me. Look! There is a cartoon me! Aren't I cute?


When I think about how and why I met Tim, I just don't know. Why did I meet someone so soon after ending my marriage? Is this a rebound relationship? Considering that I don't really believe there is any such thing as a rebound relationship, then no. No No no no. I do want to be with Tim. Part of me sooooo wants to be with him. He's perfect for me. We are completely compatible on so many levels. Plus he's freaking hot. So hot. Seriously. My inside turn all around each time I look at him. And yet, I don't know. I'm afraid. Of what, I can't quite figure out.

We're Friends, really...I swear to GOD

Everytime my husband tells one of our friends that we are getting a divorce at my request, it's meant with the same response. Anger. Disbelief. And more anger. They can't believe this is happening to us. The perfect couple. To futher compilicate things, they really really really can't believe that we can remain friends. Even the best of friends. They can't understand that while I don't want to be married to my husband anymore that I can't lose his friendship. I have been friends with him for 18 years. I'm not giving him up now. I don't want to, and I won't. Period. End of story. We're friends now and it's perfect. Even though it may not be compleley perfect for my soon to be ex-husband now. It will be, eventually. We will be fine. Our friends need not to worry for a second that we won't be ok. We will always be ok. Our friendship is unending. I don't doubt it for a minute. Even if everyone else does.