I discarded my husband

I discarded my husband and didn't really feel bad about it until just now. Well that's not exactly true. I felt horrible when I told him I didn't want to be married anymore. Cried all day. Didn't think I had it in me. I feel sad now. I was listening to our wedding song. I don't know why. I was just looking up songs on Itunes that I know, and landed on it. I am a total asshole. What kind of person can promise their life to someone, and then take it away? I guess I can. I wouldn't go back and change it. I guess I just want to know that he's going to be ok. Maybe it's selfish and horrible of me to want all of this to go away and for everyone involved to just move on. I have. It's easy for me. It's not easy for him. I forget that. Until I hear our song. And then I remember what I promised him. And couldn't deliver on. It's just not fair.

Did I really think I was happy? Why do I feel like I wasn't myself at all wtih him? Not that it was his fault. I just became a super watered down uninspired version of who I am. I felt bland when I was with him. Why did I settle? I just can't say that it was all for nothing though. We have children. I wanted them so badly with him. I didn't question that at all. Yet, as time went by I wondered if it was right to be married to someone that you weren't in love with, and defintley were not attracted to.

Gosh, I am soooo hating myself right now. Not that I am looking for sympathy. Direct that all towards my husband. He thought his life was going to turn out one way. With me. Us. Now it's just not. Our song is just killing me the moment. I am listening to it over and over again in the hopes that I will become numb to it and it won't mean anything anymore. The part about "in a sea of eyes, there is one pair that I reconize." I did feel like at the point that my husband and I got together that I needed him. Wanted him. I did it. I made us happen. Yes, he wanted it, but I thought I did too.

Ben Folds--you are killing me, you ass! Stupid song. I want him to be in love. I am hoping it will happen soon. He needs that excitement of a new relationship as a distraction. Or he should just go out and have alot of sex. I know he won't, but it would help. That's for sure.

My "So What" Moment

I was watching the Tyra Banks show late tonight on the Oxygen network. I have to say I like Tyra. She seems like she is trying to do right for young girls by talking about having a positive body image. I can appreciate that. She also came up with this idea called a "so what" moment...for example Tyra's "so what" moment is "so what that I have big thighs." That kind of thing. I then wondered what my "so what" moment is. I couldn't come up with just one. I have so many at this point in my life that I am really living without apologies. Check out my Tyra inspired "so what" moments.

So what...I have stretch marks. Two beautiful healthy girls later, I just don't give crap that I have a few or really many long stretch marks on my body. I earned them. My body is has been through so much and it's amazing.

So what...I am not going to be a stay-at-home Mom anymore. My writing career is taking off, which is causing me to need more time to pursue that dream. My book is coming out. Stuff I have only ever dreamed about it happening. I thought my only dream was motherhood. I was wrong. I want it all.

So what...I can't live off my husband measly salary. Thus besides my writing career, I am probably going back to a 36 hour a week job. It's good money. I need it. My girls need it. I need stuff, groceries, and fun. That all takes m-o-n-e-y, lots of it.

So what...I still am breaking out around my mouth. Fucking hormones. I have all the access and knowledge of great skincare and I still can't conquer this. Oh well. Otherwise my skin is pretty close to perfect.

So what....I am divorcing my husband. For the reasons why see above. Finances are important. That whole bit in our vows about for richer or poorer. I found out that I just can not do poorer. Just can't do it. Tried. I tried for 7 long broke-ass years. As Whitney Houston says "Hell TO THE NOOOOOOOO!"

So what...I am going to hire full time help. I still refuse to put my kids into germy gross daycare. I don't care if your kids go and it's great. I don't want to do it. A nice girl who has some college experience and wants to entertain my children all day is fine with me. I will pay her well and expect a lot from her. Nanny-cams all the way baby!

So what...I am completely in love with my new boyfriend. So what that we have only been together for two months. Double so what to anyone who has questioned me at this point. I don't care. When you know, you just know. It's that easy. It's just that much fun. I didn't think I would need all that big-icky-gooey-larger-than-life-head-over-heals-waking-up-at-three-in-the-morning-to-make-love-love, but I do. And I found it. I didn't have an iota of it with my husband. He was my best friend and always has been, but I just wasn't in love with him. Not ever. Harsh I know, but true. But when I saw Tim for the first time it was like an explosion in my head. I just had to have him.

So what...I am changing as a person. You see when you get to a certain point in life where you are just fed up with being unhappy and not going after exactly what you want, everything stops. The clarity came very quickly for me and I had to make some big changes. So what. Change is good. All this changing has saved me in every single way.

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